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A Priest in the Temple of Possessions



I am a priest in the temple of Possessions.
I lead the worship of the god of Things.
I preach the gospel of Eternal Consumption.
Come, listen to the word of the lord:

“There was a time, America,
A long time ago,
When each family had their own household gods—
Personal idols they could worship
And possess and be possessed by.
Then came God, the One God, who abolished the gods,
One God where once there were many.
One God, with demands and rules
And cruel expectations.
One God who wouldn’t let anyone be.
But truly truly, I say unto you,
That a day is coming, and indeed has now come,
When you can own your very own gods again!
Not the old gods of stone, but shiny new gods,
Gods of metal and plastic and LED lights,
To worship and possess and be possessed by.
Give your offering to the priest, and one of these new gods can be yours!”


Hear, America, the word of the lord:

“The Lord, your God is
Dead.
His existence was not fiscally justifiable.
His services were no longer needed.
His department was downsized.
His office has been given away.
The Lord your God is dead,
And you all have let us kill Him.
We have taken what was His,
Thrown out what was not profitable,
And sold the rest.
In fact, we sell it every year.
The Lord your God is dead,
But do not weep.
For His manger pads our bottom line.”

So remember, America, to worship your god, who provides for your every need.
Remember that only Things can make you happy.
Only possessions can save your soul.
Things are what fill the void in your life,
Things bring your family together.
Only the best things will do,
And this temple has all the best things (And a 30-day price guarantee!).

But woe unto you, America, if you forsake your new lord.
Woe unto any man who fails to worship regularly,
Woe to the one who lets his possessions go out of date or fashion.
Only the latest can make you happy,
Only the greatest will keep your family together.
A fool says in his heart, “Last year’s TV is still good enough.”
Such a man is forsaken by the gods,
And by his friends and family.

So come, oh people, come before your gods!
Enter into the Holy of Holies!
Worship before our big-screens,
Pay homage to our latest tablets.
See the garlands and the wreath?
They are sacred reminders that the holy season of Shopping is at hand.
We put them up early this year:
Spend your money accordingly.
Out of money? Oh yea of little faith.
We have 36 months no interest financing!

So buy! Buy!
The newest and best!
The latest and greatest!
Love the lord your new god with all your heart, all your soul, and all your debt capacity,
And you will be blessed, all the days of your life.

The word of the lord.
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